As I have been sitting
here doing these pages, I have been thinking about what I would
want to say about Shadows. I met him in the fall of 1998, through
a mutual friend, at a time when A True Rose was going through
some turmoil. Shadows had a channel on irc.bondage.com, and
I could go there and sit, just talk to a good friend or two
and know I was not going to be harassed.
Shadows gave so much
to me; he made me think about the future, to stand tall as an
abuse survivor, to believe both in myself and that dreams do
come true. When Storm and I moved in together, Shadows was my
cheerleader that life was good again. When I was diagnosed in
2002, Shadows again was my cheerleader, assuring me I would
be ok, and all would be well. Right to the end he never
came into channel or sent an email that he did not ask how I
was doing. Right to the end he worried about me. That is who
Shadows was. I could write volumes about him just by going
through logs, but in the end, what matters most is that he was my friend,
my confidant, my trusted guide through some dark nights in
my life.
He had such a wide range of interest and shared those,
even getting Storm to install a “universe search beacon”,
on his computer computer. There was
no subject you brought up that he could not discuss intelligently.
He taught me that some times less is more. He taught me to never
stop dreaming, to reach for the stars and believe. He will forever
be with me in my heart and so as he travels on his journey
into shadows and far away places, I can still feel his caring,
nurturing, friendship and love. Below is the Holiday greeting
that Shadows wrote for the 2004 ATR holiday pages. Notice the
date was just one month before his death. I think he wanted
everyone to remember him as this person.
I love you my friend, and knowing you, changed my life.
Yes I have and will share tears over your loss to my life.
I was also thinking that
many people said over the last month, that through the Pope’s
pain, illness and suffering he taught us how to die with dignity
and grace. I say that with Shadows pain, illness and suffering
he taught us to live with courage and strength, and to never
give up.
cajunrose
Rose:
It is, as always, the wish of Shadows that all live
in peace, health, and love, now and in the years ahead.
Shadows
Dec. 19, 2004
Dear Shadows,
How do you thank someone who helped to make you who you are?
What do you say when the person is no longer with us?
You'd have hated this letter, because you never recognized
the contribution you made to the lives of others, but your
words and your teaching changed my life, so I feel compelled
to write this.
When we met, I didn't know much about the lifestyle. Most
of what I did know I didn't like. You showed me a side of
BDSM I'd never have known. You shared your time, your knowledge,
your experience and your girl. We connected. I don't know
why we lost touch.
You taught me responsibility. I made a lot of mistakes before
I finally understood what you meant, but I'm here now,
looking back on the great chasm of the past, threatening
to be swallowed by the memory of you.
How do you thank someone who helped to make you who you are?
By offering to others the same level of commitment that you
offered to me. It's all I have to give.
Goodbye my brother.
Nage
